It landed like a punch to the stomach, taking the wind out of my lungs, out of my sails. It was only a comment, just words. But words can hurt.
“Wow. I remember thinking that you’re really a terrific writer but how will you make it with a wife and three kids.” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement. It was matter of fact and it carried the knowledge and experience of his 72 years.
And so, here I am, writing before six in the morning to find a way to make it. Before me is still a days’ worth of work I can’t escape. A scrambling of events to shuttle my kids off to, and a wife who’s as tired as I am and longs for more time to talk, to connect.
Gary’s a guy from the writing group I recently started to go to at the local library. We meet once per month and he often forgets my name. I hardly know him, but I’ve always respected my elders and found that they have something to share if we’re willing to listen. Had I known he was going to passively make such a comment about my ability to “make it”, well, I probably still would have listened.
[DISRUPTION] DOG CAME IN AND VOMITED ON THE RUG. SON ASKED FOR BREAKFAST AND IS TALKING A LOT.
My first reaction was of course: what the fuck! You just had to ask my name but you’re questioning my ability to find the time to write and “make it”. Since the initial reaction, I’ve wondered whether he was challenging me. You know, a little reverse psychology we use on kids:
I bet there’s no way you can eat all your dinner in the next ten minutes
[DISRUPTION] DOG WHINING TO GO OUTSIDE
You can’t clean your room faster than Sonic, nope, No Way!
You probably wouldn’t like this book about dragons and adventure
[DISRUPTION] NOTICED POPSICLE STICK ON THE COUNTER. ‘TEACH’ SON TO THROW IT AWAY…AGAIN
There’s an interesting dynamic in the writing community. We’re all extremely supportive of one another. There is never a doubt of value that exists in each writer’s story. It is a community that wants to see every story written. The counterweight to this is often brutal honesty. Constructive is the word we use. We aim to provide truthful but constructive feedback to improve the writer.
Is that what Gary did here? I didn’t get a chance to really ask him. But to be fair, I didn’t really know what to say anyway…
“Hey Gary, you kind of shocked me a bit with that comment. What did you really mean?” The truth is that I know what he means.
[DISRUPTION] ARGUMENTS OVER BATHROOM USAGE. GIBBERISH BEING SPOKEN INTO A MICROPHONE/AMPLIFIER. DOG ‘ZOOMIES’. REQUEST FOR SUNSCREEN.
The myth of the writer waking to the birds chirping each morning, a fresh pot of coffee brewing, a mild huff of a breeze waiving the leaves. If I had these things, would I get more writing done? Probably. Almost certainly. But the reality is that I chose a different life. I wanted kids. I wanted a family. And while I want more than the day job I have, it provides financial security that would otherwise be its own DISRUPTION on my mind.
[DISRUPTION] GIGGLES THAT WILL BE GONE BEFORE I’M READY. CONTAGIOUS PUPPY ENERGY.
The disruptions in my life are seemingly constant. It would be naive to say something like they’re not distractions, my children are the apple of my eye. They are distracting. Our schedule is overwhelming. And my energy levels are often depleted. But there are always slivers of time for me to write.
[DISRUPTION] DADDY, WHAT COMES FIRST, FIVE OR FIVE-AND-A-HALF…illustrated fractions using a circle and pie-portions. This took five minutes.
My writing is important to me. Is it possible that if I didn’t have so many responsibilities that I would be “further along” in my writing career? Possibly. Maybe even probably. But it’s also possible that I would find my life missing a different form of meaning.
The problem I have with Gary’s comment is that it assumes that I chose the value of family over the value of writing and that this choice is explicitly binary. This is a redeployment of the “starving artist” archetype. It presupposes that writers are only bookish and crave isolation. While I do crave quiet mornings, I also depend on the busy chaos of my life to provide equanimity. In fact, my writing depends on it. If I could choose, the time when I write would be undisrupted, undisturbed by my kids or any other external influence. I won’t deny that without some “me time”, writing can feel impossible.
But when I’m not writing, when I’m taking the kids to games or rehearsals, when I’m depended on to provide stability, or love, or discipline, these are times where I become a better father. These are times I better get to know myself, which directly impacts my writing. Writing essays draws on my personal experience and demands I consider it from different perspectives. If my only identity was “writer” and I spent my days thinking only about writing, I don’t believe I would be better off. Maybe I would be more technically sound, but I would have a more limited perspective on my experiences. Fail to see, as example, how I might be complicit in something—a strained parent relationship, perhaps—where I’ve placed blame on others. My life is a rich source of lessons and questions that present to me almost daily. I am certain that this makes me a better writer.
Living a creative life is funny this way. It can feel like there’s not enough time to devote to it, but if given the time, are we certain that it will make us better?
Well, yes. I suppose it likely would. Having more time is something many of us working fathers and parents need. Or, if it’s not time, maybe it’s a reduction of stress or decision fatigue to preserve enough energy to pursue creative goals.
A note on the DISRUPTIONS: I wrote this piece over two separate sessions. This later one has been without the disruptions of the first. It’s no doubt easier to focus and work. Not long ago, maybe a couple of years back, I wouldn’t have bothered to crack open my laptop because I knew the kids would need something. I knew the dog would need to go out. I predicted any number of outside distractions and let them convince me it wasn’t worth even trying. This was the version of me that though I needed total solitude to write. It’s also the version of me that lived in sometimes overwhelming fear. It was a fear of not being good enough, of not having the “right” biography to tell about myself as a writer. It wasn’t sophisticated or enlightening.
I’m still learning to live my creative life alongside the disruptions. They are indeed disruptions. They are not always welcome and they are always challenging to respond to with intention. But I’m getting better at recognizing that they serve me when I serve them, when I trust that disruptions are part of the journey.
Awesome piece Brad - I love the way you shared the distractions in real time - and were still able to create a great article. Perhaps the article could be your reply to Gary.